5.26

text from andy: I had a dream that I had long hair in a pony tail. Did I tell you that already?
larn: Did you like it?
-picture of a smoothie-
I just realized, fully realized and understood, that unless something truly terrible happens, my children will be able to look at every single day of my life.
And to be honest I am thankful for that fact. I am so jealous. I wish I had some idea what my mother thought/lookedat/did at my age and I would give anything to understand.
I don't know why. Not for validation, or for some sort of unity. I feel genuinely curious as to what she was interested in.


My texts[letters] would be what I really want them to have access to if I died. Maybe not at the same age, I would probably have been a NIGHTMARE if I had validation from my dead mother on my outrageous actions that I am sure all teenagers will make anyway. I would probably want them to never ever see my preteen aim/aolchatroom messages. lol. I got a cell phone when I was 16 so they could probably have access to my 16-17 year old one when they turn 17, my 17-18 when they turn 18, and then I guess continue in that pattern? Until maybe 30? Jeez, I just, who the fuck would really want to read all this bullshit. But my text/letters would probably be pretty interesting threads. I would be interested to read my friend's messages with their friends [if they were dead and we would all be spared the embarrassment]. I feel a HUGE connection to people when re-reading messages. also a weird sense of self discovery when pulling a paranoid parrot and re-reading my sent mail. haha. fuck.
But the fact that I take photos of things around me on a daily basis and sent that shit to my friends and then we talk about it like we are sitting next to each other even though we haven't looked at each other's faces in 4 months and some how when we are actually irl it feels exactly the same and it makes me wonder how friendships worked before technology.
I would give my ring toe of my left foot [I decided this right now, and I gave it a good, honest think-over] if I could see what my mother cooked for dinner last night, then how her cat, in the bathroom, looked while she took a shit [that she also considered photographing but decided against], and then what she saw at work and the different outfits she tried on, her checking her teeth when she couldn't find a mirror and was to lazy to get up. I would shave off all my hair [yes, another honest wager] if I could see Photobooth video-diaries she had made in order to get things off her mind in the middle of the night.
I don't feel as though I am curious for some sense of validation. I feel like the rest of humanity pretty much got that covered.
I just miss her.
I would give most of everything if I could have some sort of conversation with that woman.
It would be funny as shit.