after house hunting
last night, she took me places. And as I watched the grey smoke curl around her silky hands, I brought my eyes to meet hers. The flames below us were warm, and lit her stomach in a soft, pleasing manner. I smiled as she noticed my stare.
"who are you?"I laughed.
She grinned and spit smoke into a bush. "His name is gypsy", flatly fell from her lips.
"okay, but who are you?" I think my hand was reaching out to her by this point. She didn't move away or flinch when I touched her. In fact, the opposite occurred.
We walked further.
I hadn't been quite sure who she was for a while now. I thought we first met at some party 2 years ago, but she swears it was before then. However, I can't remember learning her name until tomorrow and I swear her hair was blonde at some point. I think I could find a photo if I stalked hard enough.
Anyway, it was like I could feel her forehead against mine as I watched her footsteps fall in the wet pavement. This simultaneous presense was some new power she possessed. I tried to slow down and fall a few more paces behind, but she would not have it. Soon we were barely walking and stopping seemed like the obvious thing to do as we were both laughing every time we took a step in slow motion. She went from taking a drag every few steps to taking a few drags every step. The last mile was littered with filters sizzling in the street.
I turned to her and said, "okay. what do you fucking want?"
"to show you something"
"Is that where we are walking?"
"yes, are you injured?" she was still giggling.
and lighting a new cigarette, she asked my silence "hey? why are you so upset?"
but I could see that we would probably never make it.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
5.29
I thought that I would be mad when I saw her, heard her.
But, tbh,
I felt resolution.
Her solid footsteps fade away and I have pulled all my thorns.
But, tbh,
I felt resolution.
Her solid footsteps fade away and I have pulled all my thorns.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
5.26
text from andy: I had a dream that I had long hair in a pony tail. Did I tell you that already?
larn: Did you like it?
-picture of a smoothie-
I just realized, fully realized and understood, that unless something truly terrible happens, my children will be able to look at every single day of my life.
And to be honest I am thankful for that fact. I am so jealous. I wish I had some idea what my mother thought/lookedat/did at my age and I would give anything to understand.
I don't know why. Not for validation, or for some sort of unity. I feel genuinely curious as to what she was interested in.
My texts[letters] would be what I really want them to have access to if I died. Maybe not at the same age, I would probably have been a NIGHTMARE if I had validation from my dead mother on my outrageous actions that I am sure all teenagers will make anyway. I would probably want them to never ever see my preteen aim/aolchatroom messages. lol. I got a cell phone when I was 16 so they could probably have access to my 16-17 year old one when they turn 17, my 17-18 when they turn 18, and then I guess continue in that pattern? Until maybe 30? Jeez, I just, who the fuck would really want to read all this bullshit. But my text/letters would probably be pretty interesting threads. I would be interested to read my friend's messages with their friends [if they were dead and we would all be spared the embarrassment]. I feel a HUGE connection to people when re-reading messages. also a weird sense of self discovery when pulling a paranoid parrot and re-reading my sent mail. haha. fuck.
But the fact that I take photos of things around me on a daily basis and sent that shit to my friends and then we talk about it like we are sitting next to each other even though we haven't looked at each other's faces in 4 months and some how when we are actually irl it feels exactly the same and it makes me wonder how friendships worked before technology.
I would give my ring toe of my left foot [I decided this right now, and I gave it a good, honest think-over] if I could see what my mother cooked for dinner last night, then how her cat, in the bathroom, looked while she took a shit [that she also considered photographing but decided against], and then what she saw at work and the different outfits she tried on, her checking her teeth when she couldn't find a mirror and was to lazy to get up. I would shave off all my hair [yes, another honest wager] if I could see Photobooth video-diaries she had made in order to get things off her mind in the middle of the night.
I don't feel as though I am curious for some sense of validation. I feel like the rest of humanity pretty much got that covered.
I just miss her.
I would give most of everything if I could have some sort of conversation with that woman.
It would be funny as shit.
larn: Did you like it?
-picture of a smoothie-
I just realized, fully realized and understood, that unless something truly terrible happens, my children will be able to look at every single day of my life.
And to be honest I am thankful for that fact. I am so jealous. I wish I had some idea what my mother thought/lookedat/did at my age and I would give anything to understand.
I don't know why. Not for validation, or for some sort of unity. I feel genuinely curious as to what she was interested in.
My texts[letters] would be what I really want them to have access to if I died. Maybe not at the same age, I would probably have been a NIGHTMARE if I had validation from my dead mother on my outrageous actions that I am sure all teenagers will make anyway. I would probably want them to never ever see my preteen aim/aolchatroom messages. lol. I got a cell phone when I was 16 so they could probably have access to my 16-17 year old one when they turn 17, my 17-18 when they turn 18, and then I guess continue in that pattern? Until maybe 30? Jeez, I just, who the fuck would really want to read all this bullshit. But my text/letters would probably be pretty interesting threads. I would be interested to read my friend's messages with their friends [if they were dead and we would all be spared the embarrassment]. I feel a HUGE connection to people when re-reading messages. also a weird sense of self discovery when pulling a paranoid parrot and re-reading my sent mail. haha. fuck.
But the fact that I take photos of things around me on a daily basis and sent that shit to my friends and then we talk about it like we are sitting next to each other even though we haven't looked at each other's faces in 4 months and some how when we are actually irl it feels exactly the same and it makes me wonder how friendships worked before technology.
I would give my ring toe of my left foot [I decided this right now, and I gave it a good, honest think-over] if I could see what my mother cooked for dinner last night, then how her cat, in the bathroom, looked while she took a shit [that she also considered photographing but decided against], and then what she saw at work and the different outfits she tried on, her checking her teeth when she couldn't find a mirror and was to lazy to get up. I would shave off all my hair [yes, another honest wager] if I could see Photobooth video-diaries she had made in order to get things off her mind in the middle of the night.
I don't feel as though I am curious for some sense of validation. I feel like the rest of humanity pretty much got that covered.
I just miss her.
I would give most of everything if I could have some sort of conversation with that woman.
It would be funny as shit.
Friday, May 24, 2013
5.24.13
my philosophies are surfacing and record of them feels necessary
I agree with the statement "we are the life force of the universe"
I agree that the subconscious world is just as important as the conscious/shared world, but that our subconscious worlds have some sort of shared notion.
I don't know what that notion is.
See, my obsession with Shamans stems from my belief, assumption, that their idea of the "Spirit world" is just what I am referring to as the "subconscious world". I think that the subconscious is the extra details, information, we have absorbed radiating off of our memories and ideas. This is our gut feelings, our ability to be attracted to others, why dreams seem to prepare us for things and how we know who is coming up the stairs, who is standing behind us, who we need to contact. This is why buildings with unsteady foundations and vibrating pipes give us the heebie jeebies.
My issue with Shamans is the abstraction, religious aspect, "gods" and other trunkjunk that society has taught me is unnecessary and delusional. In today's world, meditating/yoga seems to be taking the place of church. These breathing exercises, internal thinking time, "relaxing" are allowing our brains to rest and communicate more than just our conscious self's opinion. We really do trust our subconscious by sleeping on important decisions and having positive attitudes and going with our gut.
I agree with the statement "we are the life force of the universe"
I agree that the subconscious world is just as important as the conscious/shared world, but that our subconscious worlds have some sort of shared notion.
I don't know what that notion is.
See, my obsession with Shamans stems from my belief, assumption, that their idea of the "Spirit world" is just what I am referring to as the "subconscious world". I think that the subconscious is the extra details, information, we have absorbed radiating off of our memories and ideas. This is our gut feelings, our ability to be attracted to others, why dreams seem to prepare us for things and how we know who is coming up the stairs, who is standing behind us, who we need to contact. This is why buildings with unsteady foundations and vibrating pipes give us the heebie jeebies.
My issue with Shamans is the abstraction, religious aspect, "gods" and other trunkjunk that society has taught me is unnecessary and delusional. In today's world, meditating/yoga seems to be taking the place of church. These breathing exercises, internal thinking time, "relaxing" are allowing our brains to rest and communicate more than just our conscious self's opinion. We really do trust our subconscious by sleeping on important decisions and having positive attitudes and going with our gut.
Friday, May 3, 2013
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